It’s a real bugbear of mine that breastfeeding is blamed for tooth decay in babies and toddlers. It doesn’t make any sense that something so natural would cause something that, only a few hundred years ago, would stopped huge numbers of children surviving and potentially ended the human race. There is very little scientific basis for the myth and a lot of scientific evidence dispelling it. I’ve just added an article I’ve written on the subject to my ‘pages’ section. Hope someone finds it helpful!
In response to comments on the last post:
1. Breastfeeding is not the be-all-and-end-all but it is a bloody good starting point
2. Houses built with poor foundations are shaky and not secure but even houses with good foundations may still fall down if the supporting walls aren’t built strong enough
3. Breastfeeding is, in my opinion, a very good foundation, however you do it. On the other hand, providing the attachment that is very easy when you breastfeed is by no means impossible if you don’t.
4. If you breastfeed, but don’t make any effort with the rest of the child’s life, then, yes, there may be a strong foundation but who cares if the house is going to fall down anyway!
5. If we carry this analogy further - it is more than possible to rebuild walls, but much harder to rebuild foundations.
I am disabling comments on this post, and on the last one, as I posted my opinions on something and feel sad that it’s led to two people I care about getting heated - if feelings are running high then email/comments pages etc. are *not* the place to be airing them and getting any good by doing so! If anyone wants to email me personally to comment on this then please do (leave a comment on a different post if you need me to let you have my email address), the matter is now closed on this blog though!
A comprehensive longitudinal study in Australia (not yet in the journals - looking forward to getting my hands on the published paper!) has shown that children who were breastfed for less than 6m as babies, had increased risk of mental health problems at age 2, 6 and 10 years. The mental health problems they cite include ‘deliquent, aggressive and anti-social behaviour’ and being more depressed, anxious and withdrawn. Of course, as with any ‘risk’ that’s all it is - an increased chance, not a definite ‘if you don’t breastfeed for longer than 6m, your child will be mentally ill’! The researchers assert that the results stand true even when adjusted for ‘socio-economic situation, education, happiness and family functioning’.
What I find interesting about this study, though, is not the results (although, of course, they’re pleasing to me!), but what the researchers put the results down to:
‘Researcher Dr Wendy Oddy said the findings add to growing evidence that bio-activity in breast milk played an important role in the rapid early brain development that occurs in the first year of life.’
The reason I find it interesting is because I (and I imagine a number of psychologists etc.) would put it down to the attachment to their mothers that babies inevitably experience if they are breastfed, attachment that they are expecting and are often denied. This is not to say that artificially fed babies can’t experience these levels of attachment - if their mothers recognise the need for close attachment, then they’ll get it however they are fed. The thing is that whether or not a breastfeeding mother recognises the need for close attachment to her baby, the baby will get more than an unattached artificially fed baby (as opposed to an artificially fed baby whose mother recognises the need for attachment). It is impossible to breastfeed without frequent episodes skin-to-skin contact and cuddles, whereas it is perfectly possible to bottle feed an infant with no cuddles at all, let alone skin-to-skin contact. I believe that for babies and toddlers breastmilk is the bonus of breastfeeding, not the reason for it! The happy hormone levels increase the minute a baby latches on and starts suckling, whether or not there is any milk flowing - suckling is such a powerful calming action, which is why so many babies are happy with dummies. Skin-to-skin contact with any adult has been shown to speed up babies’ development and boost heaps of different body functions - immune system, intelligence etc. It also helps them to learn to regulate their body temperature, heart rate and breathing much faster. So who care’s what’s actually in the breasts? Ok, so breastmilk itself is pretty magical, and of course it is the most perfect milk for human babies but the babies are getting so much from being latched on to their mother’s breast, even if we don’t take the milk itself into account. And that’s what I put the lower levels of childhood mental illness down to, and why I think it’s unfair to mothers of artificially fed babies to put it down solely to the constituents of breastmilk, as it is perfectly possible to get such levels of attachment if you’re bottle-feeding a baby. Maybe they need to repeat the study with all babies who are attachment parented regardless of how they are fed, to see if the results are similar…
I’ve got such a lot I’ve got to get done over the next few weeks!
In less than two weeks time I’ve got my workshop: Before which I have to have devised a class plan and discussed it with my tutor (Ok, I’ve done the class plan, but I need to go over it and practice etc. and am awaiting my tutor’s comments, but I only managed that by putting the girls in front of the tv for a bit! Something I always said I’d never do!); and I have to have prepared a presentation to be assessed on at the workshop (for which I can find no guidelines about length or subject or what!). Oh yes, and I’ve got to send a form to my tutor for her to fill in about how ready I am for the workshop and then fill it in myself when I get it back before I go!
On the Saturday of the workshop, the antenatal teacher teaches the first of two full-day sessions on the antenatal course that I am to provide the bf session for. I had hoped to attend the first session so that the parents could meet me and so that I could ask them to write down on some postcards anything they particularly wanted to gain from the bf session. Being as I will be in London on that day, I’m going to have to compromise and meet only the mums at the ‘baby morning’ that the teacher is holding three days after my workshop. I’ll get the teacher to hand out the postcards to the parents at the first session so that the dads get them too, and ask her to get the mums to bring the postcards to the baby morning for me to collect. So that’s something else I’ve got to arrange before I go away.
Then, ten days after my workshop, I’ll be doing the bf session itself - aaarrrggghhh!!! So as soon as I get back from the workshop, I’ll have to start preparing all my materials and practicing with them so I feel confident using them and don’t look like a wally on the night! I need some fresh oranges; some straws; some kitchen towel; some paper plates; a knitted breast (don’t ask!); some dolls (we share those with the antenatal teacher though, so I’ll have to arrange how I’m going to get them from her - maybe I can pick them up at the baby morning!); loads and loads of cards with carefully prepared questions on them to guide a discussion; my tutor’s box of goodies (little props to demonstrate things to parents if they ask about them e.g. syringe; breast-pads; feeding cups; nipple shields and so on); some pieces of A3 paper with an agenda written on it; some packs made up for the parents with various info sheets in them; some feedback forms for the parents to fill in (as I understand it, a lot of bfcs don’t do feedback forms as it annoys the parents and is rarely accurate, but I have to do them for my assessment!).
After the session, I’ll have to do a write up of it asap so that I have got something concrete written down for me to base my essay on when I come to do that - which I’ll also have to get done asap.
I’m also hoping to get back my draft of the last essay I wrote so that I can finish that off this week and have it off my plate before the workshop, but I don’t know if that will happen - my tutor’s rushed off her feet too and even if she manages to get it back to me in good time, I’ll still have to find a spare day off of DH’s (ha ha!) to work on it, along with all the other stuff I’ve got to work on.
Then I’ve got one more essay to write and hand in. Once they’re all marked and assessed, I have to get them prepared to send, with *all* the assignments I’ve written, plus evidence of a few other things, off to Head Office to be checked and re-assessed so that I can be approved to register as a BFC, oh yes and a copy of everything I send to Head Office needs to be sent to Luton University so it can be ratified before my Diploma can be awarded. It takes about 6 weeks for an essay to be assessed and second assessed, so I’ll have to have my final essays handed in by the end of October at the latest if I’m to have any chance of preparing my portfolio for submission by the time the baby arrives. I don’t want to have to worry about doing it with a newborn baby as the deadline for submission is Jan 8th!!!
Oh yes, and along with all that I have to prepare for Christmas *and* the arrival of baby number 3. Still, although this may have been a very boring post for anyone reading, I have to say that writing it all down has been quite helpful to me! At least I have a sort of ‘timetable’ now for my BFC work - I guess I’ll work flat out for the next six weeks getting all my assignments done and handed in. Then I’ll have six weeks to spend getting ready for Christmas (can do the shopping online - or will it be too late by then? Beginning of November should be ok, shouldn’t it…?) and the baby (At least that will just mean spending a couple of hours going through Flopsy and Mopsy’s old clothes and buying a few new babygros, vests & nappies! Oh yes, and bottles, formula, a new cot, electric swing, dummies…only joking!) and then a week or so (maybe!) to rest before the baby comes! But I’ll probably be spending that week preparing my portfolio for submission. Thank goodness I’m starting yoga and will be able to go once a week from now on or I’d get no time to myself whatsoever! Note to self: Don’t forget to spend time with Flopsy and Mopsy (oh yes! And DH!) as well!
Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Update: I’ve just found out I don’t have to have a presentation prepared before the workshop - it’s something we work on during the workshop. So that means I should be able to get that essay handed in before I go away - hurrah!
How many children have you breastfed and for how long?
Two - Flopsy for 2yrs 10m; Mopsy is still breastfeeding.
What were your reasons for breastfeeding?
Having been brought up in a family where breastfeeding is the norm, it just seemed to me to be the way you feed a baby - no decision to be made!
Who was the most supportive member of your family?
Um…everyone, thank goodness! DH and my mum mostly, simply because they were around the most; but I have been very lucky to have had no unsupportive friends or family around me at all!
Were your husband/partner/babies father/significant other (male or female) supportive?
Yes - he sees things exactly the way I do, so it’s not really a decision to be supportive, he just assumes that it’s his job to do what he can to make my mothering the best it can be.
Did you have any support from a group or Breastfeeding councillor?
Yes, my local breastfeeding support group and the wonderful Breastfeeding Counsellor who took my antenatal class bf evening and who is now my tutor!
How do the majority of your friends feed their children?
All of my friends breastfeed: most of them I know from the bf groups or groups where non-mainstream parenting is the norm and most children from those families are bfed. It’s just how I’ve met most of my close friends.
Has breastfeeding changed the way you feel about your body?
Um…not sure, really. I think it’s just consolidated a lot of the awe I felt after carrying and birthing a baby. I mean…it’s pretty incredible and wonderful that women’s bodies can achieve such miracles - not just creating life, but growing it for long enough that it can survive out of the womb, and then giving birth to it! So the fact that my body’s been able to do that (twice now!) and also provide everything the baby needs for the first 6m out of my body is just an extension of that.
What do you wish you had been told about breastfeeding?
How to stop milk from letting down at inappropriate moments! Would have saved me lots of embarrassment and a fortune in breastpads!
What was the most surprising thing about breastfeeding?
How you can be loving it one minute, and hating it the next! Particularly with a toddler!
Where did you first publicly feed?
Can’t remember - a bookshop cafe, I think.
Is there anything you would change about your breastfeeding experience if you could?
I would have liked to have been able to stand Flopsy feeding for as long as she really needed to. She shyly asked me if she could feed today, actually, and for some reason I said yes - she changed her mind!!!! Not sure whether I’m pleased or sad about that.
What advise would you give to someone who was about to start breastfeeding?
I wouldn’t give any advice - I’d listen to them and support them. I might point them in the direction of some good books, or support groups, or the different bf helplines.
Who are you tagging with this meme?
Deb at Notsheep
Carlotta at Dare To Know
So we watched this programme last night, fearful that it would be a real ‘look at these wierdos’ programme, and was pleasantly surprised. Although the narrator did seem at times to be taking the mickey out of the parents, at other times she sounded genuinely interested and sympathetic. However, I don’t think they chose the best families to look at.
Firstly, the British family. I liked them. They were lovely, honest, happy people, and the Dad was hilarious! But…and this is going to sound awful…if you’re going to present an unusual form of parenting to the masses, surely the way to do it that is most likely to make it appear a valid, acceptable form to those who don’t yet subscribe to it, is to follow a family that looks completely ‘normal’. By ‘normal’, I mean look like a family who could easily follow mainstream parenting practices. I’m playing devils advocate here - I don’t think that there was anything wrong with the British family, but the American families looked a bit more mainstream, and I think that that is the route to choose. I think that mainstream followers are far more likely to listen to someone who looks like they do, simply because the narrow-mindedness of so many people ensures that they go on looks far more than on anything else. The over-riding thought in many people’s minds, I believe, would have been “well, what do you expect?”. Although it’s downright wrong to make an issue of physical appearance, I think the impact of using a family that looks mainstream is much stronger, leading to the “oh! So it’s not just for ‘weirdos” reaction. I hope I’m making sense here! I’ve had this conversation with a few of my friends on several occassions. One of my friends has dreadlocks and wears gorgeous hippy clothes - we think that very mainstream people take one look and write her off as a hippy, which is fine by her, but does seem to make people switch off and stop listening, as if they already know that what she’s going to say is ‘weird’. Apart from the fact I don’t wear make-up, I look like most mums - dark hair tied back, jeans and t-shirts - we all think that I have more impact when talking about non-mainstream ideas because people don’t expect to hear me talk about them.
Secondly, the one-child American family. I was thinking all the way through that the mother was the one in control of the attachment, not the child. A common criticism of attachment parenting. Then, lo and behold, at the end the husband said exactly the same thing! In my opinion, for attachment parenting to work, the child *has* to be in control. The child *has* to have the opportunities to detach from his/her mother/family and it is important that there is no underlying emotional blackmail going on ie. mum goes on and on about how much she loves being attached to her child leading to the child thinking that is what she needs to do in order to maintain her mother’s love. Attachment parenting is about being there for your child when and for as long as she needs it - not encouraging attachment, but not discouraging it either. It’s also about letting your child have the opportunity to be attached to a number of adults, and children, not just to mum. In an ideal world, children are brought up by a community, not just two parents, and this is when attachment parenting is really healthy. Babies are carried by their grandmothers; sisters; cousins; aunts - they’re even suckled by them if mum’s not available and baby is in need of comfort! Babies need to form the strongest attachment to their mum, but to also form strong attachments to other people too, when *they* are ready - not when mum is ready! Showing this family, I believe, will just reinforce people’s misconceptions that attachment parenting is about parents who don’t want to let go of their babies.
Thirdly - the two-child American family. I loved this family - I think that this woman talked the most sense. She didn’t look too unusual and she was extremely articulate when explaining her choices. I liked it that she talked about asking herself what ‘jungle-mama’ would do in certain situations - it’s something I do all the time! The British family seemed to work solely on their instincts; the one-child American family worked mostly on mum’s needs; this family worked on a combination of instinct and the experience of thousands of years of evolution. In the natural world, we wouldn’t bring our children up just on our instincts - they’d certainly be very respected, much more so than they are in our culture, but we’d also listen to our parents; sisters; aunts; grandparents who would have listened to our ancestors - generations and generations of accumulated knowledge of child-rearing would be accessible to us. Surely this is the best way to do it? When our girls do something that doesn’t fit with what we expect of modern children, before I worry, I ask myself what a cave-toddler would be doing. Is this normal behaviour for natural children? Is what the books say only normal for children brought up the conventional way? I also ask myself what cave-mother would be doing all the time. Would she sit down and play with her children all day long? Certainly not! She’d have been busy working, with her children running round her feet, occasionally asking questions, helping out, going off to play fantasy games with their friends, sometimes asking to breastfeed; baby in a sling, feeding on and off, not going out of the family’s sight. If baby cries, mum does something about it asap because to not do so would be to risk the baby’s life. I’m rambling now!
All in all, I liked this programme - it wasn’t totally ‘look at these wierdos’ but I think it could have been done better.
Oh yes, and mass breastfeeding sessions (which one of the mums in the tv programme attended with her two nurslings!) - I’ve ranted about these before. Gah! I hate them! People say they are necessary to make breastfeeding more normal. I don’t think they make breastfeeding normal - I think they make it wierd! They just serve to increase the perception that breastfeeders are ‘militant’. I dislike Breastfeeding Awareness Week too. The only thing that can make breastfeeding normal is by doing it, and by doing it normally!
I’m in a brilliant mood tonight for several reasons:
1. I just finished my essay and have sent it off to my tutor to check over - hopefully she won’t suggest too many changes, then it will mean polishing it off a little and being able to say ‘only three more assignments to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!’.
2. I managed to finish my presentation in time for our tutorial today and, despite the fact I thought it sounded very monotonous (I hadn’t made much effort to do any fancy visual aids or anything, other than pinching a couple of my tutor’s nipple shields and a knitted breast which I got her to demonstrate anyway as I’ve never used a nipple shield in my life!), my fellow students said it was very good - hurrah! Besides, I learnt so much from doing it, I don’t really mind what they said LOL. I’ve always shied away from learning about nipple shields, having an instinctive aversion to anything that takes breastfeeding away from the natural. However, I’ve recently had to support several mothers trying to wean their babies off nipple shields, so the presentation came at a good time for me. I now feel no less horrified at the suggestion that they are ever essential and that there aren’t better ways of helping women with the various problems it is cited they are useful for, but a whole lot more prepared to support a mother who is trying to cope with the aftermath of an unhelpful person getting her to start using them 
.
3. My friend emailed me back to say she didn’t know what I was talking about and of course I hadn’t done anything to upset her - it was just a bizarre internet-induced misunderstanding caused by blog comments mysteriously disappearing. So I’m very happy about that indeed!
4. An exercise we did on our tutorial today managed to open the floodgates a bit for me, and I ended up crying for the first time ever over Flopsy weaning. I won’t go into it now, or I’ll probably start crying again, and it’s far too late at night to start a torrent of tears just now! But what I wanted to say, really, was that I think it was a good thing as it had been slowly building up lately, my sad feelings about weaning, and I think that crying today will hopefully spur me on to write a good old cathartic blog post about it asap!
…is a very bitter woman’ is what I first thought when I started reading her book ‘A Life’s Work: On becoming a mother’. She seems to be fuming that she’s pregnant, fuming at what pregnancy/birth books say, fuming at the health care professions, fuming at the whole world, despite the fact she chose to become pregnant. Once her baby is born, despite the fact she professes her great love for her child, she proceeds to bemoan nearly everything she experiences of motherhood. Her book angers me because it is so negative - it probably did her an awful lot of good writing it, but I can’t imagine what good it could do to any mothers or potential mothers reading it, except to learn that motherhood is one of the biggest sacrifices you can possibly make, and you will probably hate it, whilst simultaneously experiencing desperately profound feelings of love and awe for your child. I’m sorry to say that, having had a rather depressing first trimester, I didn’t feel up to continuing to read past the first four chapters - maybe the book doesn’t continue this way and I’m doing her a great injustice! However, despite how much I disliked reading the book, I have learnt a huge amount from it and can understand why it is one of our ’set texts’ for the BFC training.
Cusk is clearly illustrating fairly common feelings for modern mothers; mothers who maybe have delayed motherhood in order to pursue a career; mothers for whom Gina Ford is the most important baby ‘expert’ since time began. The mothers I am imagining appear to have such trouble reconciling themselves with the concept of not having complete control over their lives that they need the desperately strict routines that Ford encourages them to enforce. And it’s hardly surprising…whilst clearly there are many exceptions (and I’m sure that this is also an experience of some young mums), most women having children in their mid- to late-thirties have experienced a relatively long adulthood so far, being in near-complete control of their lives. They have spent the last 17+ years deciding when and what to eat; where to go and when to go there; how their schedules will pan out for the next year, let alone the next day! Speaking as a young mum, who spent only 5 years in this way, I can’t really imagine what it must be like to realise that the minute you become pregnant you effectively ‘lose control’. No wonder some women find it so hard to feel a part of their body move without having asked it to do so. No wonder some women feel overwhelmed at the prospect of having no idea when or where labour will start, and not knowing how long it will take, or how close it will be to what you plan. All this we have to somehow learn how to cope with and then comes the baby! How can you plan what time you will eat, or leave the house if your baby is fed on demand and poos or sleeps at unpredictable times? How does one easily change one’s lifestyle so totally? Gina Ford offers a way out: force your baby to fit your life. Make him sleep when you want him to, leaving him to cry if that’s what it takes; feed him when it suits you; wake him when the timetable says it’s time. All this also apparently makes it easier when your nanny arrives to take over care when it is time for you to go back to work. Unsurprisingly, a lot of mothers find that Ford’s routines don’t actually have much basis in reality and they soon learn that their hormones simply won’t allow you to strictly follow what Ford says.
However, I’m digressing a bit here. From what she says, Cusk wasn’t a Ford-follower, but she does come from the same group of mothers that are more likely to turn to Ford. Cusk admirably breastfed for a few months; gave up work to be a full-time mother; and tried to be led by her baby’s needs. However, the difference between the Cusk-style mother and the ‘earth-mother’-style mother is vast, and it boils down to one thing, I think: where the main motivation for mothering comes from. I think that Cusk-style mothers have children primarily because of their ‘biological clock’ - because it is what is expected of them, and because they feel the distant calling of their hormones, whether or not they realise that that is what it is! They get married or move in with their partners (must be PC here 
) - the next step is to procreate. This is what is known among psychologists as ‘extrinsic motivation’ - motivation to do something based on rewards, or something done for someone else out of the goodness of your heart. ‘Earth-mother’-style mothers, on the other hand, primarily choose to have children not just for the sake of the children, but for themselves - they hear the calling of their bodies and want to birth and mother children just because they want to. This is known as ‘intrinsic motivation’.
Before I go on, I just need to clarify that a lot of psychologists and educationalists and other experts, believe that a job or task is easier and learning is more effective, the more intrinsic motivation features in one’s reasons for doing or learning something. This has clear parallels in the philosophies of most home educators: children will learn more and better if they are learning because they want to; not because they feel they ought to.
Back to mothering: How about feeding choice? BF helpers are well aware that women are more likely to succeed at breastfeeding if they have decided to breastfeed, or to continue to breastfeed, if they are doing it not just for the baby. Mothers who decide to breastfeed primarily because it’s ’best for baby’ often don’t get past the first hurdle. On the other hand, mothers who don’t consider how they will feed their baby to be a choice, who just know they will breastfeed because that’s what they want to do, usually perservere through the tough early weeks (or months if they’re unlucky!) and go on to enjoy a very mutually satisfying breastfeeding relationship. Indeed, Cusk says she had to give up breastfeeding when her daughter was 3 or 4 months old (I can’t remember exactly which!) - a common time for primarily extriniscally motivated breastfeeders.
Cusk also decides to stay at home with her children rather than go back to work and this decision, I believe, sets the whole tone of the book. Cusk is extrinsically motivated to make this decision, believing that it will be better for her children for her to care for them herself. The consequences of this decisioncan be disasterous for mothers: Cusk feels isolated and resentful of her child, experiencing desperately conflicting emotions when she considers the depth of her love for her child. She is becoming a martyr, sacrificing her fulfilling career for the benefit of her children, and she can’t enjoy her job as a mother because she doesn’t value it - all she values are the incredibly self-less sacrifices she has made. Mothers who choose to be full-time mothers not only for the benefits they believe it will give their children, but also for the benefits and rewards they believe they will recieve, are less likely to experience these feelings. They are primarily intrinsically motivated and are therefore more likely to enjoy their new job. Cusk talks about how hard she finds it to move between her self as a mother and her self as an independent being. But intrinsically motivated mothers don’t see the two ’selves’ as separate. Their self as a mother is just a new improved version of their self pre-motherhood. They enjoy motherhood because they genuinely value it as a job in itself, and they allow themselves to experience the joys motherhood can bring.
This long-winded rant is not intended to be a ‘I think some mothers are better than others’ post. It is leading me on to saying that what I have learnt is that, while I have long believed isolated parenting decisions to be right for some families and not for others, and that that should be respected and accepted, I had not realised the depth and importance of this fact. I had not realised that parenting decisions not being right for a family, might actually mean that they are down-right wrong for that family! Cusk gave up her job believing that her children would benefit from being brought up full-time by their mother: I suggest that maybe she’s wrong. Maybe they would benefit only by being brought up full-time by their mother if their mother actually wants to be doing it. Maybe Cusk’s children would be better off being cared for by a nanny or other childcare for some of the time. If you ask someone to do you a favour, and they do it, but they really don’t want to be doing it, you feel uncomfortable and guilty. I wonder if the same thing is true for children. Children aren’t stupid, they pick up on minute changes in mood and atmosphere - why wouldn’t they be totally aware of their mother’s reluctance to mother them, however careful she is to hide it from them? And these thoughts could be applied to any parenting choice you could think of. We are taught, in our training, to offer to mothers certain ‘core conditions’ (a counselling thing), one of which is known as unconditional positive regard, or non-judgemental warmth. Up until now I have been working on this core condition by looking at my own biases and prejudices, acknowledging them and putting them to one side when supporting a mother. I now believe, having read Cusk’s book and come to the conclusions I have, that I can offer this core condition even easier just by accepting that, whilst I am able to change a mother’s extrinsic motivation for doing something, by offering her accurate and un-biased information, I can do nothing whatsoever to change her intrinsic motivation for her decisions - only she can do that. Occassionally mothers come to our groups complaining of a common breastfeeding problem, and whatever we suggest they reject, often without even trying. They are not coming to the group to try to remove the problem, they are coming hoping that we will say ‘you’re right, your nipples are too sore/you don’t have enough milk/your breasts are too big etc. - you probably need to stop breastfeeding’ - they want permission to stop. They are breastfeeding primarily for the baby’s benefit, and they don’t want to be the one to make the decision to stop, understandably. They want to be able to say ‘I had to stop’.
Ok, I’m rambling now - trying to untangle the mass of thoughts in my head that I haven’t spent any time working out lately. Will post a bit about my darling girls soon!
I often hear people saying things to their children that upsets me. The other day I heard a (very nice, kind, generous) mum say to her 5 year old daughter “if you can’t get on with M and play nicely with her [M being this girl’s best friend, according to her mum!], I’ll ring Daddy and tell him not to pick up your bike at the weekend”!!! Now is it just me, or is it just plain wrong to tell someone that they will only be allowed to have a promised, exciting present if they like and want to play with someone else specified by the present-bearer at a time specified by the present-bearer? Of course, this is nothing next to the “get ‘ere now or you’ll get a slap!” type comments everyone unfortunately hears being yelled every now and then. But it’s these less dramatic comments that make me realise quite how far I’ve come in this gentle parenting lark! I once heard a mum of a 15m old explaining to another mum (whose toddler had just given the 15m old a bit of his chocolate biscuit) how her little darling had never had chocolate before, and how she had been intending to deny him this delicious thing until he was three - even to the extent that she’d told him he couldn’t have any of the cake she’d made him for his first birthday as it was a chocolate sponge!!! She’s moved out of the country now, but I do wonder, now that her son is just over three, if he can’t stop himself absolutely gorging on the stuff whenever he sees it!
Anyway, on a lighter note: At 6.15pm Flopsy said “Oh look…it’s quarter past six…Daddy will be home soon”! She looks at the clock an awful lot, and tells us what she thinks the time is, or asks us to tell her, and she usually gets the hour right…but she’s never been this accurate before, and, although we’ve often said “Daddy will be home at…” or “We’ve got to go out at…”, she’s never pinned the time to an actual event herself. What a star!
Mopsy (who I, sadly, don’t seem to write much about!) is gorgeous, and bubbly and cuddly. She has ’snacky’ breastfeeds throughout the day, so on the rare occassion there is little enough going on for her to fall asleep at the breast, I really enjoy sitting down quietly with her and feeling her calm down gradually, until I see her eyelids closing and her body relax completely. I really miss that…Flopsy used to do it all the time, but there’s far too much going on for Mopsy to do it often. Sometimes, just before she goes to sleep, Mopsy comes off, says “Mummy”, sits herself up and plants a big milky kiss on my lips and hugs my head for at least a minute, then lies back down and latches on again. It’s my favourite thing in the whole world! That is one of the many reasons I want to promote longer-term breastfeeding - what a joy mothers miss out on when they stop at 6 or 12 months just because they’re culturally conditioned to think that it’s wrong to continue breastfeeding a toddler. But then some critics say that they think it’s wrong for mothers to enjoy breastfeeding - how sad.
Oh yes, one other thing…Flopsy calls pyjamas “Jimamas” - it’s my current favourite word and I think it may be one of those family words that just stick!
She hasn’t had any gak for about three or so weeks now, and only asks every couple of days when she’s really bored or I’m paying her no attention at all. This morning DH bathed with Flopsy while I did some work and Mopsy slept in bed. When I heard Mopsy wake up, I went upstairs and she looked so lovely and cosy and warm and snuggly that I decided we hadn’t had enough skin-to-skin time lately, just me and her, so I took my nightie off (yes, I am lazy enough to write essays still in my night-clothes!), and took her pyjamas off and snuggled up for a lovely long wake up feed. Then Flopsy descended on us, wrapped up in a towel. She ran in calling ‘here comes my naked body!’ - don’t know where she’s got that from, but she’s said it a few times now and it still sends DH and me into fits of laughter! She saw that I was feeding Mopsy (who looked up and grinned at Flopsy, as she usually does), and said ‘can I have some gak?’. I suggested that she’d probably forgotten how to do it, which she disagreed with. Although I’ve been very aware that saying ‘yes’ would be messing her around and be very unfair on her, I also thought it was a bit harsh sitting there with no top on and not letting her have any (rather like eating Green & Blacks in front of a dieter!). So I said to her that she could try, but just for a second. She kind of latched on, and came straight off looking a bit folorn saying ‘there is some no gak anymore!’. I could have cried! I knew that there was plenty of milk there, as Mopsy was getting plenty - Flopsy really has forgotten how to breastfeed! In just a few short weeks. She tried another couple of times with the same result. It didn’t really bother her though…particularly when we got on with playing a hiding-under-the-covers-from-scary-Daddy-and-shrieking-like-mad-when-he-catches-us game.
I can’t really believe it though. I mean, she’s my baby, but she’s not anymore, really. She’s left every last bit of babyhood behind now. She’s shed her babyness bit by bit, sometimes with encouragement from me, and sometimes totally off her own back. And now she’s dropped the most meaningful part of babyhood - breastfeeding. It seems like only yesterday I was ringing my parents in the middle of ‘Holby City’ to tell them I’d felt her kick inside me; like only yesterday I was leaning over the basin in our old bathroom asking my Grandma over the telephone to please hold on a moment while I had another contraction; like only yesterday my darling baby was lying in my arms in the birthing pool gazing up at me and DH with her hands clasped together; like only yesterday I was ringing DH at work to tell him she’d rolled over for the first time; that she’d just crawled across the room; that she’d just pulled herself to standing; that she was playing peekaboo with the top of her dungarees while I changed her nappy; that she’d said ‘mama’; that she’d joined in the actions to ‘wind the bobbin up’; only yesterday that she was leaning on the bottom of the bannisters copying me having contractions while I was in labour with Mopsy; only yesterday morning I watched her hold Mopsy’s hand for the first time while they both shared their first breastfeed together; only yesterday we bought her her first tiny little knickers and we put her great big toddler nappies away. Where did it all go? She’s three years old in only two months time. My darling little girl, who’s so grown up and silly and sensible and short-tempered and kind and contrary and generous and determined and loving and gentle and simply amazing, is no longer a baby, but a wonderful independent individual. I’ve got to go now…must just dash upstairs and kiss her cheek while she sleeps (oh, and I might kiss Mopsy’s cheek while I’m at it!).
