So we watched this programme last night, fearful that it would be a real ‘look at these wierdos’ programme, and was pleasantly surprised. Although the narrator did seem at times to be taking the mickey out of the parents, at other times she sounded genuinely interested and sympathetic. However, I don’t think they chose the best families to look at.
Firstly, the British family. I liked them. They were lovely, honest, happy people, and the Dad was hilarious! But…and this is going to sound awful…if you’re going to present an unusual form of parenting to the masses, surely the way to do it that is most likely to make it appear a valid, acceptable form to those who don’t yet subscribe to it, is to follow a family that looks completely ‘normal’. By ‘normal’, I mean look like a family who could easily follow mainstream parenting practices. I’m playing devils advocate here - I don’t think that there was anything wrong with the British family, but the American families looked a bit more mainstream, and I think that that is the route to choose. I think that mainstream followers are far more likely to listen to someone who looks like they do, simply because the narrow-mindedness of so many people ensures that they go on looks far more than on anything else. The over-riding thought in many people’s minds, I believe, would have been “well, what do you expect?”. Although it’s downright wrong to make an issue of physical appearance, I think the impact of using a family that looks mainstream is much stronger, leading to the “oh! So it’s not just for ‘weirdos” reaction. I hope I’m making sense here! I’ve had this conversation with a few of my friends on several occassions. One of my friends has dreadlocks and wears gorgeous hippy clothes - we think that very mainstream people take one look and write her off as a hippy, which is fine by her, but does seem to make people switch off and stop listening, as if they already know that what she’s going to say is ‘weird’. Apart from the fact I don’t wear make-up, I look like most mums - dark hair tied back, jeans and t-shirts - we all think that I have more impact when talking about non-mainstream ideas because people don’t expect to hear me talk about them.
Secondly, the one-child American family. I was thinking all the way through that the mother was the one in control of the attachment, not the child. A common criticism of attachment parenting. Then, lo and behold, at the end the husband said exactly the same thing! In my opinion, for attachment parenting to work, the child *has* to be in control. The child *has* to have the opportunities to detach from his/her mother/family and it is important that there is no underlying emotional blackmail going on ie. mum goes on and on about how much she loves being attached to her child leading to the child thinking that is what she needs to do in order to maintain her mother’s love. Attachment parenting is about being there for your child when and for as long as she needs it - not encouraging attachment, but not discouraging it either. It’s also about letting your child have the opportunity to be attached to a number of adults, and children, not just to mum. In an ideal world, children are brought up by a community, not just two parents, and this is when attachment parenting is really healthy. Babies are carried by their grandmothers; sisters; cousins; aunts - they’re even suckled by them if mum’s not available and baby is in need of comfort! Babies need to form the strongest attachment to their mum, but to also form strong attachments to other people too, when *they* are ready - not when mum is ready! Showing this family, I believe, will just reinforce people’s misconceptions that attachment parenting is about parents who don’t want to let go of their babies.
Thirdly - the two-child American family. I loved this family - I think that this woman talked the most sense. She didn’t look too unusual and she was extremely articulate when explaining her choices. I liked it that she talked about asking herself what ‘jungle-mama’ would do in certain situations - it’s something I do all the time! The British family seemed to work solely on their instincts; the one-child American family worked mostly on mum’s needs; this family worked on a combination of instinct and the experience of thousands of years of evolution. In the natural world, we wouldn’t bring our children up just on our instincts - they’d certainly be very respected, much more so than they are in our culture, but we’d also listen to our parents; sisters; aunts; grandparents who would have listened to our ancestors - generations and generations of accumulated knowledge of child-rearing would be accessible to us. Surely this is the best way to do it? When our girls do something that doesn’t fit with what we expect of modern children, before I worry, I ask myself what a cave-toddler would be doing. Is this normal behaviour for natural children? Is what the books say only normal for children brought up the conventional way? I also ask myself what cave-mother would be doing all the time. Would she sit down and play with her children all day long? Certainly not! She’d have been busy working, with her children running round her feet, occasionally asking questions, helping out, going off to play fantasy games with their friends, sometimes asking to breastfeed; baby in a sling, feeding on and off, not going out of the family’s sight. If baby cries, mum does something about it asap because to not do so would be to risk the baby’s life. I’m rambling now!
All in all, I liked this programme - it wasn’t totally ‘look at these wierdos’ but I think it could have been done better.
Oh yes, and mass breastfeeding sessions (which one of the mums in the tv programme attended with her two nurslings!) - I’ve ranted about these before. Gah! I hate them! People say they are necessary to make breastfeeding more normal. I don’t think they make breastfeeding normal - I think they make it wierd! They just serve to increase the perception that breastfeeders are ‘militant’. I dislike Breastfeeding Awareness Week too. The only thing that can make breastfeeding normal is by doing it, and by doing it normally!
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11:50 am
I’ve not watched this yet, I recorded it though:0) I do understand your point about ‘being mainstream’.
12:07 pm
Yey. I agree with everything you have said here. The dad in the british family was a bit like My Chap - beard and all! We both laughed about the ‘having sex quietly’ comment. Thank you for saying such nice things about me! I actually shock people when I say or do something conventional. It works both ways looking like a big hippie. I make more of a connection with some of the ’surestart’ mums because I don’t look like I’m part of the system but also people think everything I do is crazy. People always assume I’m a vegatarian -HA I like blue steak. Anyway great comments on this program.
10:24 pm
I happened to catch some of this programme by accident, at my brother’s house, watching it with my parents… which all turned out to be quite an uncomfortable experience.
(I actually liked the British family best, although I agree that from a purely “win-people-over” point of view they could have gone with someone a bit more normal-seeming.)
What made me wince was the fact that although I do identify as an attachment parent, I do not do or even want to do half the stuff that the narrator kept saying “Attachment Parents Believe…” (For example, as far as EC goes, great - but I don’t think it is an essential part of AP and it certainly isn’t for me!) Also, the rather preachy “Attachment Parents Believe… that they know how everyone else should bring up their children” - ick.
The scenes on discipline were also rubbish. They showed parents pleading unsuccessfully with their children to do stuff as simple as “come over here” or “get off the table” - and the message that came across was that if you choose to parent using persuasion rather than punishment then your children will rule the roost and will never do anything you ask them to.
It all made me feel almost as though I had to say to my family - no, I’m not like those extremist weirdoes. (Although, really, in many ways, I am!)
I’ve rambled long enough.
Suffice to say, I liked the families but thought the programme as a whole rather sensationalist. Much like that extended breastfeeding programme that was on a few months ago!
10:18 am
let’s face it, it’s TV. They are not there to win anyone over. They want to make a program people will watch. The actual title of the program was ‘hidden lives’ and it was the tag that was ‘honey I suckle the kids’. So they set out to show something strange, not to change to world. The best way to show people how AP can work is by doing it quietly in front of them. If they are intrested they will ask questions and will see how easy it is. eg slings and breastfeeding. Loads of mums have said they will ‘have a go’ just because they have seen me doing it without a fuss.
11:02 am
Back again! I’ve watched it now. I liked the English family and actually thought they were normal, infact more mainstream than the others. I think a bit of creative editing went on though! But I enjoyed it. :0)
5:09 pm
Have yet to watch this - I think there’s a repeat on Thursday night. But I can’t agree that it is better to have a ‘normal looking’ family to promote ideas. Maybe if your aim is to get someone’s ear to preach and convert then it is an ok tactic. But I think that what is really valuable is when people see someone they would normally avoid, hear their voice and accept their humanity. I think that’s the way to create an acceptance of diversity. I think that sending in an ‘acceptable face’ to present your views just panders to the inability of our culture to recognise the value of difference. Of course, tv companies often like to have ‘outlandish’ looking people to invite ridicule or condemnation and people have to be very careful what they get involved with. Sounds like the programme was something of a mixed bag - I’ll be interested to see it.
5:30 pm
Allie, I totally agree with what you’re saying about encouraging people to accept people however they look, but I just feel that this isn’t reality. However, as Erika said, tv producers aren’t out to try to change people’s opinion, they’re out to get viewing figures and the best way to do that, as you say, is to get less-than-usual looking people on saying something less-than-usual as that encourages people to ridicule them. There would be no ideal solution, but I just think that offering a totally alien concept to mainstream followers is best done with mainstream-looking people or they switch off before they even bother to listen, let alone get to the point of acceptance.
10:43 pm
I am the British mum who took part in the programme – hate the title, not my idea I assure you – and I must admit your blog had me giggling. I simply didn’t recognise us from your description. I wondered whether we had been watching the same programme. (It might be an idea to watch it again, it’s on tomorrow night at 11pm). I couldn’t really see what you meant about us being not quite mainstream enough. I’d love to be able to wear gorgeous hippy clothes, but unfortunately I just don’t have the figure for them. I’ll grant you, at one point I was wearing a muted two shade tie-dye-looking top, but I assure you the shop I bought it from was anything but a hippy shop. The rest of the time I was in t-shirts, tracky bottoms, sweatshirts and jeans. I do have long hair, but didn’t realise this was so far out of the ordinary. Perhaps it was Gary’s beard? Or the car we drive (a citroen c8)? Or our children’s outlandish names (Patrick, Eleanor and Catharine)? Maybe it was the jobs we’ve had? (both in education). Or maybe it was the fact that Gary’s taken a year off to spend time with his family? Judging by some politicians it’s common practice.
As far as the programme is concerned, when we first agreed to talk to the producer about it, the small independent tv company making it had not yet pitched it at any channel in particular, and we didn’t know it was going to be on Channel 5, and by the time we did it would have been churlish to pull out. We were told there were going to be a series of documentaries on Biblical parents, Indigo children and Attachment parents from the States and Britain. They were going to be factual documentaries, showing real families who happen to have differing parenting styles from ‘the norm’. I don’t believe the intention was to attempt to persuade anyone to take up these parenting styles, merely to flag them up as being out there.
The consensus, from the comments we have received, is that the programme makers attempted to make us look weird and freaky, as we knew they would, but that they did not succeed. We have been told that we came across as a down to earth, caring couple who are passionate about doing what we feel is best for our family. Nothing more, nothing less.
I’m not an expert on attachment parenting, but I am an expert on how we arrived at the way we do things as a family and, like most ap parents I know, we didn’t rely on other people’s opinions, we took our cue from our babies and carried on from there. If anyone is interested in the practices I wouldn’t have thought that looks enter into it. After all most people are intelligent enough to make up their own minds and do it their way.
12:58 am
Hey Liz - gergeous hippie tops in big sizes - twinkletwinklelittlestars on ebay.com
I’m a huge size, I won’t say how huge but a lot bigger than you! I think you came across as being very down-to-earth.
8:01 am
Hi Liz
Thanks for commenting. I’m not really sure what to say! I’m not going to say anything much, I don’t think, or I’ll just dig myself deeper in a hole.
I hope I haven’t offended you in anyway (although I expect I have!), as I certainly didn’t intend to - more to have a go at the programme-makers. For what it’s worth, as I said in the initial post, I thought your family were lovely and everything you said made a lot of sense - I loved you’re recent article too, which I blogged about. Thanks for putting yourselves in the limelight to bring attachment parenting out into the open so more people might consider bringing their own children up respectfully and peacefully. I know I wouldn’t have the guts to do it. Here’s to more programmes on the subject - we’ve had two this year…maybe it’s going to spark a trend!
BWs
Clare